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Dear
Brian & Tabitha,
I am in receipt of Yoni's Bar Mitzvah Invitation and I appreciate you wanting
me to be there. I would be delighted to attend. As you know, I am very busy during
the day especially in the morning hours, but nothing would allow me to miss this
most momentous affair. If it's not to hard to ask, I have a few requests that
would make this occasion more enjoyable for both Me & Yoni.
1. As I get many requests to attend various Simchas, I can't possibly jet around
the world. I'll therefore need a First Class seat on El Al due to the size of
my body (and ego). Please don't wait on this reservation as I've found it limits
my desired seat selections. In addition, if you can arrange for two kosher meals,
as I've found the portions to be small even for a man of normal proportions.
Please alert the stewardess that if anyone with a Yarmulke wants to enter the
First Class Cabin, they should be denied access and told that I already Davened.
2. I'll need a van to pick me up from the airport, as I will be bringing in about
80 telephones for some friends.
3. I see that Shachris is called for 8:30AM. If you can push it off to 2:00PM
you will substantially higher my chances of coming.
4. There should be 2 Penthouse suites available at the David's Citadel in my
name. One for me and on for my cousin from K'far Saba. I figured he would be
a good connection for you. He is looking for an accountant to help him get a
visa into America. When paying for our rooms, please tell them to book the room
without the view. I find the morning sun can be most disturbing.
5. I am really looking forward to the Day Trips. Please prohibit anyone from
wearing only sandals. It grosses me out. In addition, please reserve for me the
front seat on the bus. I find that otherwise I get nauseous and ruin the trip
for everyone else.
6. As your friend, I would highly encourage you to bring your dogs to the Bar
Mitzvah. It is my understanding that they've never been at the Kosel. As such,
please make arrangements for my pet Dachshund who will be joining me. As she
is of German descent, I am planning on taking her to the Yad Vashem Museum of
Tolerance.
7. Please give me advanced notice of what topics you would like me to cover in
my speech at the main event. I happen to be an authority on many issues including
but not limited to: "Enjoying the Kibbutz Life." Please prepare a long
and deserving introduction for me. I find when people hear all my feats and accomplishments,
that alone can be the highlight of the evening. People really like me and hold
me in high regard.
8. I have waited so long in anticipation of this Bar Mitzvah. Ever since Yoni's
Bris, I have looked forward to attending this Simcha. These feelings have made
me happier in good times and given me a boost when I was down. There is nothing
or no one who can stand in the way of me sharing in this Simcha.
9. Please make sure the Hotel has Cable TV so I don't have to cancel this trip.
I will not be needing you to adapt the menus to Dairy Free despite my intolerance
to Lactose. I have already resigned myself to a continuous upset stomach from
all the Techina, Chumus and other Middle Eastern Delicacies that I will be ingesting.
I will forget my pain in honor of this Simcha.
Shalom!
Shlomo Rechnitz
P.S. Please sit me next to Toby Horn. I think she likes me.
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